Persevering,

Mr C

 

Job 14:5 A person's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed

I watch my husband day in and day out slowly fade away,some days worse than others,
His movements are slow,and laborious, his mind is not communicating well these days to his hand or to his leg,to help hold or hang on,or simply put on a sock,he try's to move his leg or foot and it sticks to the floor,
his mind is not giving the "Q's" that need to respond to normal advances we may take for granted everyday,
we just do,our brains have nothing to compromise the communication to the rest of our body.
Its like turning off the lights and trying to find your shirt,shorts etc, and get dressed,
you turn on the lights--- your dressed but "everything is on backwards inside out"

This is My Husbands battle now everyday,  
to take  a shower,is determining"hot from the cold"!                                                                                                                                                                 
When everything that was not a thought now takes "all your thought" the frustration erupts!
tell your leg to move so you can walk,
or tell your leg to lift to get in your pants.
or tell your foot to get in your shoe, or tell your hand to tie your shoe and it won't
or tell your hand to touch your face and you can not feel it
or tell your hand to button your shirt,it decides not to co-operate
or tell your mouth to hold your food and it falls out, or tell your hand to hold a glass of water and you drop it.
These are the motor skills the brain controls, that we just do and give it no thought! Right?
all of these things stresses Ron's whole body into a seizure,                                                           "his brain just went into overload! He's freaking out, it's a big deal!!

He becomes confused, forgetful,distracted ,has a very hard  staying focused, talks with a nervous chatter, he can ask me multiple times the same question,forgetting He just asked!
the smallest of tasks become an enormous mountain!
He can be talking on the phone and walk away or just hang up.
If Ron is over stimulated by to much commotion,questions,interaction, He gets anxious looking for a way of escape.
He falls asleep in a breath, he is becoming more and more tired, no more long walks, everything is very minimal.
His face can have a look of absence,as he stares into nothingness and looses track of time,always asks what day it is,or month it is, he falls asleep and wakes in a panic as if he's lost a day.
He try's to get up and his leg won't hold him, he falls and can't get up,  his left side has no feeling or strength to help him up so a struggle is eminent.                                                       Have you ever gotten up and about fell to the ground because your leg fell asleep?                 How weird the sensation felt as it started coming back, well imagine it not coming back,       it just stayed in that state of tingling, pins and needles! 

His brain is slowly being destroyed by the tumor and the millions of bad cancer cells killing all the good brain cells,slowly pushing him back to a time of complete dependence on someone else's help.

There are times when Ron forgets to breath, and gasps for air,everything his brain is supposed to communicate with his body is beginning to fail him....His left arm twitches from the nerves being damaged, The difficulties are numerous,and need I say more.

Our brain is the central command post that communicates to our body everything it needs to do to function. everything is effected,attitude,behavior,moods. 
I will say the Lord has blessed us with many good days, Ron wakes up with a smile on his face,and thankful for another day.

He takes 180 mg of morphine a day to keep the pain from breaking through,and when it does hes takes up to 45 mg more just to ease the pain away. nerve pain is a big one along with the inner cranial pain, it effects his whole body, Steroids are the worst His skin is getting thinner and tears like paper. 
everyday  " his body gets weaker","everyday his body shows a little more decline" everyday He wakes with pain, we may have dizzy spells, chest pains,nausea, along with all the other symptoms... we pray and ask the Lord to help us, to ease the pain, to give us the strength to face another day, Praise Him--He does.

I see at times it's hard for people, they can't handle our burdens non-stop.
Its too real. It's to honest. It's to close to death. 

I'm in it day in and day out and I don't know how to handle situations as they arise,nor does Ron. But we do,we rise above the circumstance and we overcome the battle. When the dark clouds of trial,struggle,grief or suffering roll in and settle on us so thick that we can barely see ahead of us, it's easy to forget there is a place of comfort,calmness,purity,clarity,strength and peace we can rise to, 
His Name is Jesus,He is our greatest advocate, our protector,comforter,He helps us to take our eyes off our circumstance and look at Him, 
Jesus our refuge,our strength,our hiding place away from the storm.

We face the day, we get on,keeping on......

Everyday I feel as if I am grieving the Loss of my Husband in many ways,
as He grieves the loss of his limbs,mind,and mobility.

Our lives have changed radically,I feel helpless at times,unsure as to what I will do,
and yet it is when I cry out to the Lord I find His strength just at that time I'm ready to crash and burn, 
He holds me up,picks me up,and carry's me through another day. 

I can honestly say it is hard to relate to somebody who's going through a trial that may just lead to death,
I get it you may just want to avoid talking, you don't know what to say, you say the same thing, cause you don't know what else to say, 
Fiery trials are an experience that bring out the worst and the best of our faith, this is where the rubber meets the road. 
I am  pulled in every direction, stretched, pressed, pounded, grind-ed,to limits  I did not know I had. And just when I think I'm going to loose my mind!!!!!
I'm reminded-------Who is my faith in???? what am I magnifying here? the circumstance, the day to day I can do this, Bwahh! If I thought I had any of this under control, I flunked the test.......a long time ago,        I need some one greater than myself, 
and that Need is Jesus, this is who I put all my faith In------------He can handle all my situations all of them I know this!

"you see cancer, disease, death, is no respecter of persons, it doesn't play favorites, it doesn't care how much power or money or position you have in this life, man woman or child, believer or non believer in Jesus Christ!

It does confront us that we are not in control! ----Very Humbling--------
If Ron was in control of His life he would not have planned to have a brain tumor,
We begin to see how weak we are and dependent we become!
                                            
We understand we are nothing without our Lord! We need His strength to help us face each and everyday, "my strength peeters quickly" to much of a roller coaster".
but His Strength is perfect",                                                                                                          Unless the Lord provides what we need, life does not continue. you see there has been an abrupt change in our lives, and it is out of our control........

So who do we turn to?,the one who created us and knows all things,the beginning and the end of our lives,the author and perfecter Jesus Christ.... or to our-self! 
We know the mess we can make when we turn to self..............our emotions and feelings are all over the place,  we need someone who is solid, unmovable, Jesus------what can't be shaken can't be moved.    Psalms 125:1

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6,7
I won't blame the things that surround me or the circumstances that happen in this life, "that's life"---------
I must make a conscience decision to face the reality of my life, if the Lord does not heal my husband miraculously, He will eventually die from this cancer, understand this. "A miracle has already been given to Ron Salvation," and this is enough!
Sickness,disease, this was not our Lords original plan---a choice was made that changed the course of every humans life,
“Just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so sin spread through "all men” Romans 5:12 The effects of the Fall are numerous and far reaching. Sin has affected every aspect of our being. It has affected our lives on earth and our eternal destiny.

I copied Below, this in hope this can explain Biblically better than I:

One of the immediate effects of the Fall was that mankind was separated from God. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve had perfect communion and fellowship with God. When they rebelled against Him, that fellowship was broken. 
They became aware of their sin and were ashamed before Him. 
They hid from Him Genesis 3:8-10, and man has been hiding from God ever since. 
Only through Christ can that fellowship be restored, because in Him we are made as righteous and sinless in God’s eyes as Adam and Eve were before they sinned. 
“God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God” 2 Corinthians 5:21

Because of the Fall, death became a reality, and all creation was subject to it. 
All men die. The “whole creation groans” Romans 8:22, waiting for the time when Christ will return to liberate it from the effects of death. 
Because of sin, death is an inescapable reality, and no one is immune. 
“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 6:23 Worse still, we not only die, but if we die without Christ, we experience "eternal death" Torment everlasting.

Another effect of the Fall is that humans have lost sight of the purpose for which they were created. 
Man’s chief end and highest purpose in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever 
Romans 11:36 1 Corinthians 6:20 -10:31 Psalms 86:9

 Hence, love to God is the core of all morality and goodness. 
The opposite is the choice of self as supreme. 
Selfishness is the essence of the Fall, and what follows are all other crimes against God. 
In all ways sin is a turning upon oneself, which is confirmed in how we live our lives. 

We call attention to ourselves and to our good qualities and accomplishments. 

We minimize our shortcomings. 

We seek special favors and opportunities in life, wanting an extra edge that no one else has. 

We display vigilance to our own wants and needs, while we ignore those of others. 

In short, we place ourselves upon the throne of our lives, "we assume God’s role".
When Adam chose to rebel against his Creator, he lost his innocence, incurred the penalty of physical and spiritual death, and his mind was darkened by sin, as are the minds of his successors. 
The apostle Paul said of pagans, “Since they do not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, He gave them over to a depraved mind” Romans 1:28. 
He told the Corinthians that “the god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers so that they cannot see the light of the Gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God” 2 Corinthians 4:4. Jesus said, “I have come into the world as a light so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness” John 12:46. Paul reminded the Ephesians, 
“You were once in darkness but now you are in the light of the Lord” Ephesians 5:8. 
The purpose of salvation is “to open the eyes [of unbelievers] and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God” Acts 26:18

The Fall produced in humans a state of depravity. Paul spoke of those “whose consciences are seared” 
1 Timothy 4:2 and those whose minds are spiritually darkened as a result of rejecting the truth Romans 1:21. 
In this state, man is utterly incapable of doing or choosing that which is acceptable to God, apart from divine grace. “The sinful mind is hostile to God. 
It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so” Romans 8:7.

Without the supernatural regeneration by the Holy Spirit, all men would remain in their fallen state. 
But in His grace, mercy and loving-kindness, God sent His Son to die on the cross and take the penalty of our sin, reconciling us to God and making eternal life with Him possible. 
"What was lost at the Fall is reclaimed at the Cross".

You see Death is inevitable to all mankind!!!!!! this is what Romans 5:12 is saying, 
"Rejecting Jesus Christ is a "willful" act that condemns   each person individually" to eternal death.
We were made for Almighty Father God's Purpose to live our lives for Jesus and Jesus alone, "not for ourselves"-----------but this we do---we live in a me-me society---we can't help it,  we can't deny it---------

 I realize how selfish and self absorbed I can be, and how much I don't like being distracted from what I am doing until it happens- and this is just a simple summery of myself on a daily basis!
My Husband calls me because he needs me....
You want to see what your "character" is made of--see how you react-----to affliction in your household and it takes all of "your time"!!!!! No we were not made to be super hero's--- just ordinary people, with a very selfish nature.......my way or the highway------
Interesting thought---I'll help you, MY WAY....... Hummmmmm 

What are your thoughts? Hows your attitude? The Lord knows all and sees all even your thoughts! we are not to excuse nor are we to justify our actions away------------But boy do we!!!--------
I thought I was a selfless woman-HA! things rise up in me I really have to ask myself why are you getting so angry-------------? Why are you so disturbed?
I have to stop what I WAS DOING!!!!!!!!!----------- 

its' not that I do not want to help him! I thought what I was doing was more important and I had to STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!------------
there are boundaries-------every situation is different don't get me wrong, 
it's not about taking advantage of someones kindness, 
we just need to know when there is a need or just a want and communicate the need and or set the boundaries of "what is a "need" for disruption" or can it wait.{urgency} 
of course when hes on the floor that's a need,  
when he wants the TV controller "he is able", ............make sense?

I feel I am learning and being taught much through this refining process about myself and how much I desire to be more like Jesus. 
I will fall, and I will stumble,and I will make messes along the way,but this I do know I have a Father in Heaven, my Lord Jesus Christ who is with me always and through His spirit in me helps me,guides me, and leads me, teaches me  counsels me through His word and prayer, His ways each day.
 I want to submit my ways to His ways my will to His will, I want to  trust Him and take Him at His word, I want to humble myself before My Holy Father acknowledging Jesus is who saves me from myself, 
there are times I want to control, I can be stubborn, no doubt, and the Lord will no force His hand .
I want the Lord over and in every area of my life working His Good even if I forget or get side tracked.
Isaiah 57:15  For this is what the high and exalted One says-- he who lives forever, whose name is holy: "I live in a high and holy place, but also with the one who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.

Today we thank the Lord for another day, and are humbled by His Grace over us,to praise Him for His great mercy upon us,and giving us another opportunity to testify to His goodness,faithfulness,genuine,compassion that when we cry out to Him, 
LORD "Help us" ---He is right here with us always ever present,this we know this we can say with great confidence,we are "very aware of our Lord Jesus Christ presence upon us", and He is who we seek first and cry Abba 
Help us in our great time of need,subdue this pain that racks my husbands body,give his legs the strength to walk, restore His mind so that you are who He relies on and depends on in His most anxious moments.

Help us Father to see "this life is but a breath",and "eternity is forever",that in a blink of an eye we will be with you. Help us O Lord to finish well, pleasing you and you alone. 
For this affliction is temporary.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)